Good things are happening to me, left and right. A development in my professional life, to be announced soon, is so big and incredible and affirming that I sometimes sit back in my desk chair and beam upon remembering with a jolt, a dozen little such jolts each day, that this thing is happening. Forgive my vagueness.
I recently had a big breakthrough in a writing project I’ve been working on for at least two years now. The proverbial aha moment where the pieces click into place and a title comes and oh hey, this is what a book looks like just before it’s born.
My volunteer work is fulfilling. My resistance work, the bit that I can do and manage with two jobs and that pesky need for sleep, is fulfilling. My relationships, even those that have been troubled lately, are fulfilling. My son is a magnificent brilliant sensitive alien star-fire gift of love and being his mom is The Fulfilling. I am healthy. The bills are (mostly) paid and the car started this morning.
And still. Past trauma + current political climate says, hold on there, mama. Too self-assured, too solid. Here, have some anxiety about it, about all of it. Have some self-doubt. Remember who you are.
I can recognize this self-doubt coming (think freight train). That doesn’t stop it. It doesn’t fell me anymore, but that doesn’t mean that the energy required to stave it off, beat it back, doesn’t leave me feeling depleted sometimes. I’ve been joking to friends that I’m staying busy so I don’t completely despair, but in all seriousness, it’s at night when I sit down or lie down to relax that the midnight prowler demon of anxiety and doubt slips in. Some nights I’m there with the shotgun and he does a 180. Some nights I’m there with the sage and he sniffs, spits, growls, and eventually retreats. Some nights I’m there with my back turned and he’s on me in a flash.
Rain, train, prowler, demon? I’m so mixed up it’s carrying over into my metaphors.
This is just a little missive to say, if you’re making strides and still feel held back, if you’re doing everything right and still feel inherently wrong, if your good days and bad days seem more extreme than usual, if your old demons are keeping you up at night despite all you’ve learned and practiced regarding self-care and protection: I feel you, see you, hear you, love you. One day, step, breath at a time.