Dear J. (who would probably never friend me on FB, but still…),
Even a love letter can intrude. He taught it to me, he’ll teach it to you. This letter of mine knocks lightly its lacy feet at the driftwood door of a house I can’t believe is still standing, sheaves itself into the cracks I remember, put there, filled even then with missives. I imagine you sipping coffee on the porch like I used to, dawn an out breath you didn’t know you were holding. Last week when he had you drop my son off, we shook shaking hands. I saw the bruise on your leg, I guess I should say, and I won’t ignore it like your neighbors ignored me, but I won’t pretend to know how you feel, either. That you could tell me. A crush of anger clawing up your throat? Or are you stunned mute and distrustful of me? (Who wouldn’t be? He is no writer.) This little flare means well, I swear—it’s no fight, all flight. It says, run. It says, please don’t feed my son seeded berries. Mostly it says wait, I remember, don’t run, it’s worse when you run, and does he kick your puppy, too? I don’t mean to push or shame or savior complex, but my boy watches more than cartoons the few days he’s with you. I want him safe, I want you safe, and your daughters, too, and there’s no map but I have stories, volumes to read to you. The books are shadow, leather, portal, mother, shotgun. They are phone call. They are my scrawled phone number pressed between the cars between my palm and yours, unlikely high five but this shit is bigger than both of us. They are here take it while he’s not looking. They are put it in your phone under an alias. They are use it. They are use it if when you need it and I will answer.
xo S
**
another writing mom 
My heart hurts from reading this.
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Mine hurts, too. That’s why I had to write it. Thanks for reading, B. ❤️
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You’re brave to write this. I care about all people in abusive relationships. The best thing they can do is to get out of that relationship. I wish someone had told me that years ago.
Leslie Morgan Steiner’s memoir is good, and so is her TED talk on this issue. Her book reminds everyone how very few abusers heal without a ton of therapy and accountability…usually to other men in a group setting.
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Yes about abusers becoming non-abusers. It’s incredibly rare. I always thought anger management was a viable option for abusers but have since learned it emphasizes controlling triggers too much to be effective for, you know, being less controlling, and they often double down on blaming their victims for making them angry/triggering them. Ugh. Steiner’s TED talk is indeed very good. Thank you for reading and commenting, Tricia.
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I know…I was surprised how small the percentage was for real change with that population. It takes a lot of accountability…not blame…you’re right.
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