Please know that I want to make sense. It seems beyond me right now to be able to do so.
Maybe this post is about wanting to be what I’m not, but hopefully, it’s about wanting to be what I’m not yet.
What I’m not (yet) is someone who can see how things are going to end up. Some of my friends love living without knowing what’s next. Not me. I like maps, lists, plans. I’m a Taurus—probably stop reading if you roll your eyes at astrology because I’m into it. Anyway, qualities of a Taurus: stubborn, earthy, loyal, reliable, persistent, resilient, practical, loving, sensual, ambitious, artistic, and independent.
Hi, have we met?
Taureans are noted for not liking change. That’s the part where things don’t line up for me because my whole life seems to change radically once every couple of years or so. Sometimes it changes because I want it to change. Sometimes the change is imposed. Sometimes violently.
Right now, I want it to change. I want to sleep through the night. I want to figure out a living situation that makes me feel safe but gives me privacy (being able to afford it would be great, too). I want to not be so affected by the negativity of others around me, to not be triggered by other people’s tensions or raised voices. I want to not constantly check my rearview mirror. Did you know that you can get in trouble for carrying bear mace?
Bear mace. I told you I wasn’t going to make any sense today.
I don’t want to come up with a safety plan in case [ ___ ]. Or, ALL I want to do is sit and work on my safety plan, and do nothing else, because then I will be so so so safe, right? No, all I want to do is sit and work on my book—oh yeah, I’m writing a book, so why do I have to write a safety plan when I could be writing poems and essays?!—and then lie on a lounge chair and watch my son get in his kiddie pool, then get out of it, then get back in it, then get back out of it, then…hey, he really is my kid, isn’t he?
I am unsettled. Taureans don’t like feeling unsettled. I mean, probably no one does. When you trade hell for limbo, you should be ready for this, shouldn’t you?
Last night I said to someone I love: “Sometimes I feel like I’m really good at life, and sometimes I feel like I’m really terrible at it.” Please know that I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Please know that I’m not wallowing (much). I take walks, do yoga, attempt to meditate, write, read the same silly books to my boy over and over, cook, eat, build campfires, race my dog around the house until we both collapse. I try. I get tired.
Sometimes I just have to let myself make no sense for a bit.
How are you all doing? No, really. Please tell me. Or even just link me to your horoscope. 🙂